“Surely goodness and lovingkindness will pursue me all the days of my life…” Psalm 23:6
“‘There is a certain chemistry in believing faith that can combine brute facts with buoyant faith.’
…it often looks like there are plenty of things that are not good and not loving…
Maybe right now you are in the realm of raw, brutal realities that have ravaged your life, and it seems impossible beyond belief that you might ever combine these with ‘buoyant faith.’ …
You are right there in the valley of the shadow of death.
…bewilderment and perplexity pursue you. Goodness and mercy are nowhere to be seen…
…if your own current experience cannot handle this perspective, just take time to note the vantage point of (David) here in verse 6:
goodness and mercy are pursuing him.
He is moving forward, and they are behind him.
Sometimes, only when we look back on events will we ever be able to see the goodness and steadfast love of the Lord in them.
If you cannot feel it now, the Lord is still with you in the valley.
…one day it may be that you look back on the worst of experiences, the most dreadful of times, the deepest of dark valleys, and you will be able to say,
‘I see it now: God’s goodness and God’s mercy never left me, even then.’’
– David Gibson, The Lord of Psalm 23-Jesus our Shepherd, Companion and Host
One year later, no longer in certain relationships and under certain authority, I am now free and able to take time to look back at August 2023, and the pivotal events leading up to my plunge into the sin of unbelief and scoffing at God’s Word – in particular, Psalm 23.
Looking back, I DO see it now! I even FEEL it now! God’s goodness and mercy never, ever left me. God, Himself, held me fast. His hand of blessing was on me, even then. Even as I violently riled against Him. He who is slow to anger, and abounding in His steadfast love for me.
One year ago, and for months afterwards, I could not see His goodness, nor could I feel His steadfast love for me. His Word mocked my pain, especially where it had once been the most comforting balm. Hymns of His faithfulness were like salt on my wounds, and my deluded mind changed the lyrics to match my hardened heart.
One year ago, I almost died, and was told that my pregnancy was ectopic, meaning our second child was already dead, only five days after learning in her existence.
One year ago, I was in the middle of the valley of the shadow of death, not walking, but standing still.
After being life-flighted to the nearest transplant clinic (the severe internal bleeding was where my transplanted kidney is), I was taken in for emergency surgery, and then woke up to the confusion of what they found once they drained all the blood.
It was not an ectopic pregnancy, there was no pregnancy tissue in what they removed, and my pregnancy hormones remained on the rise.
After another night in the hospital to confirm my pregnancy hormones were rising, I was sent home to follow up with a high-risk pregnancy doctor to closely follow the ‘vitality’ of my pregnancy.
Within 36 hours I was no longer standing in still in the middle of the valley of the shadow of death. I was alive. Our second child was alive. It was a time for rejoicing and celebrating in the LORD ‘resurrecting’ me and this precious tiny soul within me. But when I entered the sanctuary three days later to gather to worship Him on the Lord’s Day, there was no rejoicing or celebrating in the LORD’s goodness and mercy.
These physical/medical things are not what made the following weeks leading up to the miscarriage, and then the months following the miscarriage ‘the worst of experiences, the most dreadful of times, the deepest of dark valleys’ for me.
It was the reactions of those I had called ‘pastor’ and ‘local faith family’ that shot me back, much, much deeper into the middle of the valley of the shadow of death. Not even standing this time; but flat out, face in the dirt, begging for death to be finished with me.
There was no concern for my life, for my physical health, for my mental/emotional health, and even less concern for my spiritual health. There was no concern for a member of Jesus’ Body. There was no concern for Jesus.
There was only concern for themselves, their mental health, their time and energy, their sense of me loving and serving them and meeting their expectations.
The ‘brute facts’ became obvious and undeniable that I had once again (for the third time) yoked myself unequally, and had been submitting myself sacrificially to an authority God had not called, who was unjust, oppressive, and abusive.
I knew and ‘believed’ in my head that God is good and does good (Psalm 119:68), that He works all things out for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28), that He is sovereign, and therefore I should give thanks in all circumstances (I Thessalonians 5:18), and consider these trials all joy (James 1:2); but in that very moment, I did not believe from my heart, and I was quickly losing the mental strength to continue arguing with my heart as I was being forced to argue with my ‘pastor’ and ‘local faith family’ week after week.
I made multiple attempts to share my concern for the state of my heart, and to 'look back', only to be met with commands to stop wallowing, to deny myself, and to love/serve others.
The Sabbath Day, the day of rest, of ceasing, of communing with the LORD and His people and being encouraged and strengthened became the day of my weekly wallops, undoing the glimpses of God's goodness He'd given me in my private worship times during the week.
‘Although this is a common theme about which almost everyone can make claims (believing God is good), alas, how few understand and believe what they say! …rarely do we have a deep conviction of them in our spirits. We do not truly embrace the truth that we claim to believe.’
– Henry Scougal, The Life of God In the Soul of Man
I was certainly in every way afflicted (in body, mind, soul, and spirit) and FELT crushed in every single way. I was beyond perplexed and FELT hopeless. I was constantly viciously persecuted and FELT utterly forsaken. I was struck down repeatedly, and I FELT completely destroyed and gave up any thoughts of attempting to get up. (II Corinthians 4:8-9)
And yet, the Spirit within me was never crushed, never despaired, never forsook me nor Himself, was never destroyed.
The Life of God within me persevered, endured, kept and guarded me (even guarded me from myself!). The LORD God is faithful to keep and guard His own treasured possession, and He proved me to be His treasured possession.
The Spirit is the one who empowers me to pray in my desperation, ‘I believe, help my unbelief.’ (Mark 9:24)
Once again, I was face to face with my endless need of ‘buoyant faith’ and the ‘chemistry’ of the Spirit to combine with the ‘brute facts’ in order to grow and strengthen the ‘believing faith’ He gave me decades ago.
Believing faith is living faith. God doesn’t just give it to us and allow it to become stagnant, or stand back to watch if we take care of it properly. He nourishes it, He cultivates it, He makes it grow. God gives Himself with the gift of true faith. Believing faith literally is, for all eternity, the Gift that keeps on giving.
And here’s the part that stops me in my tracks, makes me stand still with dropped jaw and my eyes like deer’s in the headlights:
Believing/living/saving faith requires ‘brute facts’.
True faith in God alone feeds off of trials, afflictions, hardships, sufferings, sorrows, griefs.
My Father knows what I need before I ask Him. (Matthew 6:8)
My Father gives what is good. (Matthew 7:11)
When we pray, ‘Lord, increase our faith’, we need to remember to ‘count the cost’, and also ask to be filled with His Spirit in order to receive with thanksgiving His hearing and answering our prayer. We need to pray for eyes to see and ears to hear and humility to know His ways, and to cast off our own ways.
‘Brute facts’ are often the common means of grace that expose our hearts, our real beliefs, the things or people we are actually placing our faith in, who or what we fear, our hidden idols.
‘Brute facts’ are always good gifts from the hand of our wise and loving Father.
Among the multitude of idols exposed from this most recent local church and 'pastor' situation are: fear of man, reputation, others' feelings, others' hearts and relationships with the LORD, feeling useful and being viewed as useful - not being a burden, having my love received and not rejected, local church family-membership/relationship, and weekly in-person gatherings on the Lord's Day. These can be summed up in the phrases 'deny myself' and 'love my neighbor'.
I had become consumed in 'denying myself' and 'loving others' to the point that I'd lost my first love.
We love because God first loved us.
I had neglected to the point of rejecting God's love for me.
And the 'good' gift of removing those people from my life, freed me to receive His love for me, and so in receiving His love I was loving Him.
The greatest way to love God is to receive His love with thanksgiving.
“Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept calamity?” Job 2:10
“When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, then I was senseless and ignorant;
I was like an animal before You.
Nevertheless
I am continually with You;
You have taken hold of my right hand.
… Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart fail,
but God is the rock of my heart and my portion forever. …
…as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have set Lord Yahweh as my refuge,
that I may recount all YOUR works.” Psalm 73:21-23, 25-26, 28
“It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes.” Psalm 119:71
The value and importance of ‘looking back’ and TAKING time to reflect, to feel, to process events in our lives has been neglected and lost in this culture of show, action, efficiency, production, busyness, and the appearance of selflessness. The outward, the visible has taken the precious position of the inward, the invisible.
If we desire to grow nearer to God, to know Him intimately, to believe deep within our hearts - not just firmly in our minds and loudly with our tongues - that He is good and does good all the time, then we need to value what He values, and make important what is important to Him.
If we really believe that our purpose in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, then we need to consider how Jesus perfectly fulfilled this purpose in His life on earth, in the flesh.
What did Jesus concern Himself, His time, attention and affections primarily with – the outward, or the inward?
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