I type out my morning prayers - to help me focus, to help me remember, and because this is the way God created me to best examine my heart, test my thoughts, know myself, and know Him.
Each day this month I’ve been reading last year’s prayer from that day.
August 2023 was the kick-off to the most spiritually dark time in my life, and not only do I want to know what happened to get me to that point of despair, but I want to be able to see and proclaim, ‘God’s goodness and God’s mercy never left me, even then.’
It wouldn’t be until the 18th that the death of our second child, Leah Elizabeth, would be confirmed by bloodwork.
Sunday August 13, 2023
Good morning, Abba.
Thank You for filling me with peace, calm and quietness the full day yesterday. You do work wonders, and You are faithful to be with me, with us, THROUGH the fires and storms and waves and winds blowing every which way. Your presence keeps us confidently, and smoothly on the path that sin tries to trip and knock us off.
It’s like Elizabeth’s physical therapist. Supporting her from the core. The only way to strengthen the core for balance is to allow for imbalance.
The only way to grow our faith and trust in You is to bring us into faith-requiring, trust-testing experiences.
This certainly is and has been a difficult walk along the balance beam. Testing and training our cores, not our minds. Teaching us to walk by faith that comes from the heart, not just from the head.
We don’t like being teased. We don’t like being mocked or being made a fool. And so I research and investigate and try to find the truth and what will be.
In these things that You refrain from letting us know, I do not trust You to make them known in the proper timing. I want to know now. I demand from You, my Father, my God, to let me in to Your thoughts and Your ways because I get my sense of security from the power of knowledge, as if it helps me be in control. Knowledge gives me the delusion of power, of control so that I don’t have to have faith in You alone, believe in You alone, hope and wait for You alone.
That is the great evil of fortune-tellers, astrology, numerology, palm reading…even all these medical tests to see if we carry certain genes that may or may not let us know how we’re going to die…fighting the fact, tooth and nail, that one day we will all die from one cause of another, which has already been written in the book, and cannot be changed.
This pursuit of health and disease prevention is no longer about being a good steward, it’s become an idol, an all-consuming obsession, trying to control our own destinies and trying to control how and when we die, and do so most comfortably and honorably. This is how the fall distorted man being ‘created in Your image’, with our hearts’ knowledge and desire for eternity.
We try to prepare ourselves for what we realize is unavoidable, for what we cannot control. Guarding our hearts so that it won’t hurt as much…but what we’re really doing is hardening our hearts against sensing the evil of sin’s effects on creation.
Trying to save all the animals and the planet. We’re all trying to reverse the curse of the fall, denying that You has already done it, You are doing it, You will do it – in Your good and wise way and in Your good and wise timing. We are continually playing God.
Abba, we so desperately need Your wisdom and guidance about all these medical tests and interventions. Much of them are Your common grace to Your image-bearers, but many of them do cross the line of trying to be You, Creator, Sustainer, Taker of life. Many are abused and misused.
So much of our frustration is expecting the medical world to actually be You, even though we, I, continually judge and condemn them for trying to be You, thinking they are gods.
They are all fallen, limited, finite beings.
We have created the monsters that they are.
It is an awful sin to boost others’ egos. To build up their self-esteem and self-confidence. To encourage them to believe in themselves. It is continually putting the stumbling block of pride, arrogance, and self-reliance before each other, stirring up sin’s natural tendency within ourselves. Oh what tangled webs we weave!
How do we do these things, mightily unto You, to Your glory and honor and praise…especially when it’s become an empty cliché to say ‘It’s all God.’, while in our hearts the seed of pride is taking root more and more deeply?
We can only do it with Your help, Your discipline, Your faithfulness in cleansing, purifying, and purging those seeds of pride constantly, vigilantly. Having Your Spirit convict us, asking for a teachable and soft and meek heart. Praying for a true desire for humility and to be humbled – whatever the cost. Mentally being alert and aware to such remaining sin within us, renewing our minds in Your Word – taking our thoughts captive and testing them against Christ, against perfection, against holiness, against Love Himself, and His standard of humility and meekness.
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee! Every hour I need Thee.
Have Thy own way, LORD. Have Thine own way. Hold over my being absolute sway. Filled with Thy Spirit, till all can see, Christ only always living in me.
You know what You are doing, and I trust You.
Forgive me for how much I don’t trust You. You continually prove Yourself over and over again to me, and cause me to delight in Your ways, in You. You will guide me clearly in Your timing and not one moment earlier.
Forgive me for how much I doubt that You will make known to me Your guidance… it’s my own stubbornness and pride that blinds me, deafens me, and hardens my heart. I am my greatest hindrance. It’s my own fears, my own thoughts, and my own ways - my pride. Forgive me, Abba.
Thank You for showing me these sins and tendencies towards sin. Thank You for forgiving me, for paying the penalties for these sins, for cleansing me from them, and for Your steadfast love and faithful working in me to make me like Your Son, Christ Jesus…not just in standing and position before You, but truly conforming me, transforming me from the heart.
In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
Comments